Restoring Parent-Child Relationships
This past Sunday, we learned what God teaches about His fifth commandment: "Honor your father and mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which Yahweh your God gives you" (Exodus 20:12). One of the truths we know by Scripture and experience is how honor will be resisted by sinful hearts and it must be continuously cultivated. Sadly, this honor in the home is not always mutually experienced and enjoyed and results in sorrow and brokenness in some of our closest relationships.
The Lord knows our deep sorrow and has graciously given us some ways to work to restore our relationship with parents and children. Here are 7 ways we can work to restore and reconcile our family relationships:
Acknowledge your own faults: God tells you to "confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Do not wait for your child or parent to repent first. Restoration starts with you. Be honest about any sins that may have led to the broken relationship without minimizing or blaming. Pastor John Piper said, "Even if you feel 99% against, confess your 1%.”
Be the first to forgive or ask for forgiveness: God told you forgive "each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you" (Colossians 3:13). Forgiveness is a gift, not a reward, so do not make it conditional. Offer it freely whether your child or parent is ready to reconcile.
Commit to costly consistent love: You are called to a selfless, sacrificial love that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). God's kind of love takes time and sacrifice, so you cannot expect instant restoration. Keep displaying love in tangible ways over time.
Die to the desire for control: Our Lord reminds you to "do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourself" (Philippians 2:3–4). Relinquish the urge to "fix" them. The relationship is more important than your agenda or frustration or timeline.
Engage gently and wisely: Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Think carefully about approaching your child or parent without defensiveness. Listen more than you communicate and ask thoughtful questions. Speak the truth in love, gently and with grace. Be a channel of God's mercy.
Focus your heart on Christ: He is "the author and perfecter of faith" (Hebrews 12:2). Your hope is not on strategies or outcomes, but on the power of the Lord "in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" (Colossians 2:3). Let His love, patience, and forgiveness shape your approach.
Go to God in persistent prayer: Jesus told a parable about prayer that Luke said was "to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart" (Luke 18:1). God can heal hearts, remove blinders, soften hard-heartedness, cause breakthroughs. God is able to use your sincere prayers for personal and relational transformation.
In the end, we cannot force a reconciliation, but we can choose to do what the Lord has called us to do...be humble, gracious, forgiving, gentle, honest, heartfelt, loving, and to keep sowing the seeds of grace and truth.
Pastor Jeff
“The Heidelberg Catechism (Q & A 105–107) says, ‘I am not to belittle, insult, hate, or kill my neighbor—not by my thoughts, my words, my look or gesture, and certainly not by actual deeds’. By forbidding murder God teaches us that he hates the root of murder: envy, anger, vindictiveness. In God’s sight all such are disguised forms of murder.”